Why Death Brings Us Closer To Life and GOD!

  1. imageimagePopular wisdom has it that we could not truly understand an event which we didn’t personally experience. While this truth is debatable, if one wishes to question it, one could. I belong to the group which is in agreement. The reason is simple: I know first hand  that experiencing something on a personal level made me a  better prepared listener and overall helper.

An example:

As a confused young mother I went to consult a psychologist. The first question I asked him was, “Do you have children?”  At the time, I didn’t have a Master’s in Clinical Psychology and didn’t know  there were many “schools of thought,” one of which was Freudian, and one of its basic principles was for the therapist to act detached, as a “blank wall.” When he refused to answer, I simply stood up and left the room.

Looking back from the perspective of a ature woman who raised two children and chose to try and understand the winding path of the human mind for as long as I could remember, I  admit  my first  “qualifying” question should have been, “Have you helped other parents with this type of issues,” or, ” Have you had specialized training in this area?”

Why didn’t I ask those questions? I could come up with many answers but the truth is parenting two children, twenty two months apart, had nothing to do with logic and a lot to do with emotions and the need to be validated, understood and  reassured that what I FELT was “normal.”  I was not the only  mother to feel  confused after a sleepless night,  that the focus of my universe  shifted from ME to THEM, my daughters, and no matter how much I wished to  shift it back to what it  used to be, that was unlikely to happen! Little by little, with the help of  my mothers’ neighborhood support group, we, together re-balanced our lives to fit the needs of our newly created “Suns” and “Stars.”

If you are still reading this article, you might ask yourself, where is she going with this…the title suggests death bringing us closer to life, not thoughts on motherhood!

If that’s what you are thinking, you couldn’t be closer to the truth, yet further from it!

They say, we are our thoughts but let’s explore what happens when what we take for granted, our capacity to think clearly, vanishes!!!

Close your eyes, take a deep breathe in and an even deeper breathe out and imagine… your brain as a shinny golden bubble, inside,  there are small drawers and by God’s design, we know which drawer to open  when and let out the right letters which instinctively know how to form the right words to take the correct actions at the most appropriate time.

Let’s go back to “what is the connection between motherhood and the title:

I chose the task of mothering as an example, because in my experience, there is no other more complex task in the world and it involves opening and closing so many drawers, I am in awe of all the millions of mothers who manage to juggle lives keeping some kind of order in their unique “bubbles,” as the balance of their Universe changed forever from “ME to THEM!

To accomplish this most difficult task of  motherhood, our brain, our “bubble,” must be kept functional.

Now imagine, without a cautionary sign, the very mechanism which controls our actions,  is shuttered! It happens so fast, you don’t know it is happening. Your “control panel,” doesn’t age slowly, it doesn’t change from gold to silver or cooper or rusts…It’s not one drawer which refuses to open, or some open, some don’t or they open half-way letting out meaningless crumbs.

In that moment, my world exploded! NO brain, no thoughts, only a billion pieces of particles, letters which desperately tried to get together and form words, meaning, to communicate! Instead, they floated around disoriented, unable to make a decision: Which way to look? 

I was having a stroke!

I sat at the edge of reality not certain whether I should look down, in the sewer or up to the stars.

The sewer was closer, I could smell the odor of my own human despair and there was no fear, as I had no thoughts and all was instinct.

I was on the edge and my comfort zone was to let go and dive in the unknown, walk on the shifting sands and sink deeper and deeper until I were no more…

In that crucial moment, it wasn’t my brain, as there was none, that ordered me to look up and  TRUST!

God was not done with me in this dimension, we call life! I didn’t THINK IT, I KNEW IT!

I trusted, looked up where GOD told me to look and live to tell  how it feels to have a stroke and  I ask you to trust in God and always look up!

Author’s note:

This is a true story.

On September 19, 2016 I had a stroke. They say, when it comes to strokes, “TIME IS BRAIN!”  My symptoms started as I was driving down a familiar road and I wondered why, at 2:30 PM on a Monday, there were so many bad drivers on the road. I barely drove myself home but when I tried to get out of the car, I fell. My neighbors and friends ran towards me and I attempted to tell them I needed help but although in my rapidly deteriorating “bubble,” words were forming, they didn’t come out, just sounds of despair.  They were enough and my neighbor took me to the hospital which was 5-minutes away from y home.  The right side of my face was already paralyzed. I WAS BROUGHT INTO THE Emergency Room 20 minutes from when my symptoms started. Because of the timely arrival, the doctors were able to use a clot buster called tPA.  Following the procedure I was in Intensive care for three days. 


I hope if you read this article to the end, you see the connection and why



How Do We Define These Stories? Coincidence? Luck? Miracle?

If any if these events happened to you, personally, would you share them, or would you be fearful of being misjudged…
It was in mid 1990s and fashionable to take pictures of oneself showing the colors of the fields of energy around one’s head and body. The color was believed to be indicative of certain healing qualities a healer possessed. Purple, white, violet, we’re indicators of healing qualities. Of course, as a massage therapist it was a dream come true to SEE the confirmation any healer wished for in her picture. 20150901_122057

After the picture was taken I left in a rush the house of my friend where it was officially confirmed I had the aura of a healer. I had several objects in my hands and couldn’t unlock the car door.
I placed the precious picture with great care on top of the car to unlock the door. Just for a minute, and after I wiped off the dust on the top of the car with great care!

I drove away happy with one thought on my mind, A had the AURA of a healer. White, purple and violet were all around my head. For once I was considering myself beautiful!

At a stop light I glanced at the passenger seat where my preciious picture had been placed… or so I thought.
I looked… and looked again! The light turned green. People honked! Then cursed. I was NOT moving because the picture was not showing up! Stubborn picture!!!
I pulled to the side of the road… Looked again and touched the seat…

No… there was no picture staring back at me. At that point of total desperation, I’d have accepted any picture. I would have been willing to color my own healing aura! May be…
I drove around in a state if panic, tracing my way back to the friend’s house.
About 8 to 10 miles.
I drove slowly, aggravating several regular drivers, not healers, like me, but at some point that gut voice we usually ignire, told me to stop the car, get out of it and search around…
Crazy, right? Crazy and even crazier I did exactly that. Stopped, get out and searched the side of the road and the side walk…
…and guess what? Here it was, face down, at the edge of the sidewalk, was my healer picture.
I still have it, still stare at it daily and smile when I remember this story.

But wait… this is not ALL.

Fast forward to 2015 in a busy Grocery in Pennsylvania.

The passage of time gave me wisdom but took away some of my good sight, so I needed glasses.
On that fateful Friday evening, (it wasn’t the 13th) at the Smart Shopper in Middletown, PA I could not read the price on a label and in the process I dropped my glasses on the hard floor. I was so upset, didn’t even check the extend to the damage. Just put the glasses in my purse while figuring out the amount of credit card debt necessary to get new glasses.
When I arrived home, I checked the glasses, to discover one of the lenses was missing.
An insane thought crossed my mind. What IF I went back to the store and found the lens?
Oh well… it was Saturday morning, they cleaned the store overnight, It made no sense, but… many things in my life didn’t, yet they happened!

The biggest mistake one could make is to not try. If you don’t TRY how would YOU KNOW?
At the store, I bent to the floor and since I barely saw, I slowly touched the floor where I thought my lens could be… it wasn’t but I refused to give up. It’s not in my nature. .. to give up, that us.
This very focused action of combing the grocery store floor with care and love, was interrupted by a store employee
May I help you?
She looked fearful. I looked hopeful and explained. She managed to not look surprised and gently directed me to the customer service desk.
The clerk listened to me. A great sign and then a miracle, he handed me MY LENS
He explained that had I come to ask 15 minutes earlier, he wouldn’t have had ut. It had just been handed to him and they couldn’t figure out what it was.
I already loved Smart Shopper in Middletown, PA now, I am a DEDICATED SHOPPER.


… believe it or not, because I truly believe in the impossible and the unpredictable, in the twists ans turns of life, I would love to share a third true story with you in hopes it will convince ONE person, just one, to NEVER give up and always hope anything could happen!

Meanwhile, please share your thoughts…

A little of each? We don’t know?
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No matter what I call such events in my life, I never forget to say,

Is God Too Busy? Or Just On Vacation?

This post was intended to be a Netflix movie review, but the movie I picked was THE ICEMAN, a movie based on the real life of a notorious killer, Richard Kuklinski, who between 1964-1986 killed around 100 people, both for the mob and for personal pleasure.
The character was exceptionally played by Michael Shannon.

The movie is a jewel and I, as many before me, awarded it a five- stars rating.

There was a scene in this movie, which has been echoing in my mind, already slightly, or…let’s admit, totally depressed. The scene in The Iceman went as follows:

He was send to kill someone. A routine Mob hit.
When the victim understood he was about to die, he begged and pleaded in the name of God. The Iceman stopped for a moment, and says:

“Do you think if you pray to your God, He will stop me from killing you? Okay, then I have time… pray. You have five minutes to pray.”

The victim prays so hard, for a moment, I thought somehow a miracle will happen and God will show its merciful hand and save him…
but none of it happened, and the Iceman, said: e up.

“Your five minutes are I guess God is busy!”

He shot the victim, took off the murderous gloves and peaceful went home where his loving, unsuspected wife and adorable daughters were waiting for him. The most trusting, loving father and husband.

So… God was busy.

Why did I even pick such a depressing movie, which now, threw me in an even deeper depression as I examined my own life.

It wasn’t even necessary to think of the important on going problems, but just the small annoying ones, which, let’s face it, do make the big issues. Each big issue is not big from the beginning, but consists of many unpleasant events piled on top of one another until their multitude suffocates you.

Let’s take just the month of August. How was my August, a traditional month for vacations.
Not for me.

It started by my noticing my beloved 18-year old dog, Sophie was chewing at her front paw. On further examination, I noticed, the groomer at Petsmart missed the dew claws on both her front paws which as a result curled into her flesh causing excruciating pain. What followed? Hours of calls and trips to Petsmart, which after agreeing with the undeniable reality of their negligence, gave me a phone number to call Corporate. Aother endless conversations! Then looking for a vet, because she requires surgery. Our vet died so, the next appointmment with a new vet was on September 4. Another week of pain for Sophie and my trying to control an infection!

Okay, things happen, but the Patsmart incident wasn’t enough, then, I got sick eating turkey bacon purchased at Sam’s Club.
As I was still recovering from tow days of Hell, I heard on the news about the recall of the turkey bacon which almost killed me!!! Thank you Sam’s Club!

But that didn’t end. Recovering from food poisoning wasn’t the end.

Trying to help a friend with research, I discovered my book, The Gypsy Saw Two Lives,” for which I am being told by the publisher hasn’t even earned in roylties the minimum of $25 to send me a check, is listed for a reading option as part of a membership of $9.99 with a company, Playsters???? Who makes the royalties? Am I being robbed? Who is robbing me? Another unpleasant, convoluted problem to solve!

Oh… but that’s not all. Bank of America decided to sell certain branches, among them the Lancaster branch were I bank. I switches my accounts to Citizen Bank, which is closer, but in the process, in ways I am still try to figure out, I was notified from Bank of America that a $12.00 check bounced. Fine, I had overdraft protection. But then, not doing my math right, I ordered ” Making Sense of the Scripture,” from Amazon, for $12 which somehow was also paid from my old account. This saga, of the total of $20 dollars triggered $80.00 IN FEES from Bank of America with which I banked for over 15 years. Shame on you Bank of America! Way to pay loyalty when you no longer need a client because you sell a branch!!!

But, God must have been on vacation in August, because the chain of misfortunes didn’t end.

Protect of America, a home securities company whose service I terminated in May, decided they wanted my business back. After several emails offering me incentives for going back, they changes into bad guys. First, aggressive calls, asking me to pay an EXTRA month of service which was NEVER provided. The service was DISCONNECTED and what I used paid for. This might make the topic of an entire post, as recently I received an actual paper bill for this never rendered service.

To top it all, on my street we noticed an invention of rats and mice! Not any rats, but what I call, alien rats. Neighbors who had python snakes as pets and fed them rats, left one behind and he or she bred with the indigenous rats. On top, we have the hogs and the skunks running around and spreading their scent all over the fresh air.

To make the matter more alarming, I found the mutated white and black rat in my shed, dead and to make it more traumatic, a hog was dead laid in the middle of the alley! No need to detail the uselessness of calling the borough for help. So… another unresolved problem.

I tried to see the beauty in my life. To stay positive, damn it!
Took pictures of the sunflowers, cut a fragrant red rose and some fresh levander and placed them in a vase and stared at them mindlessness, but this serene moment was interrupted by my baby dog, Lola, having seizures whose cause, after $440 in vet fees, could not be determine…

Tomorrow is August 31. I I still try to see the beauty of my life, as the news reminds me of the 10 year anniversary of Katrina, in which I lost my best friend…plan to take the train to Philadelphia to meet the head Hand surgeon at Rothman Institute in hopes he could advice what to do with the pain in the wrist of my right hand which came overnight, ten years ago, and never left me!

Yes, August was definitely a vacation month ….even for God! Not for me!

I am eagerly awaiting for God to come back from where he took time off and perhaps see the small things which turned into big ones which are overwhelming in an irrelevant person’s lifetmp_21394-image-332458593.