Hope and Faith

140079310758320140811_095345Outside of time…
I need to exist outside of time
To make sense of death and Eternity!

I wish my senses were mingled and sharper,
I could smell colors and
See scents,
Sage could cleanse my tainted soul.

The whole of me hurts.
Evil is not satisfied with the taste of flesh.
It wants more…
Its goal is endless pain
of souls it devastates.

I lean into the essence of me,
I examine it closely.
I am too close.
I only see particles of nothingness,
Colored in confusion…

I step back, to gain perspective
I hope if I stare long enough
I understand,
It might turn meaningful,
but it doesn’t!

Truth strikes me, at last:

It’s not about how long or how close
I stare.
It is about wearing the correct lenses
To transform
Ugliness into beauty,
Meaninglessness into meaning,
Hate into love.

The key is to have Hope and Faith…
Mine are lost! 20140811_0953451400793107583

The Value Of Pain

It is a beautiful, sunny spring day, in contrast with the darkness in my heart… I inhale the fragrance of liliacs  and let the sun rest on my closed eyes, while my heart mourns the loss of a life-time friend, Diana. The pain inside is greater, and it makes me reflect to the value of all the  events that  my shaped life…

Those of you who know me, also know that life has been a roller coaster,  and for reasons beyond anyone’s understanding continues to keep me guessing: What’s next? Will I make it? Will I swim again or sink? So far, I swim…

As the many events of  life parade though my mind, I remember the good and the bad, the happiness and the sadness, the expected and the planned and the unexpected and the pain it caused at the time it happened. All those events that scarred my soul made it stronger.

Surprisingly, if I draw a line and honestly ask myself:

When did I learn most? What made me a more understanding, open-minded human being, I discover that in fact the worst of times were the best of times. In reality, there was no growth, no change and no lesson during the times when I felt secure, content and had the illusion of happiness.

In contrast, during times of excruciating emotional pain, when faced with losses which we always think could only happen to others, I was forced to get out of my suburban middle-class comfort zone and look life in the face. Divorce? Suicide and its everlasting consequences? Illness? Single parenting? Losses, losses and again losses but with each loss and the pain that came with it, I gained the knowledge of my emotional strength and most importantly,  discovered who my real friends were and are.

It is  magical  how when one is really in trouble, people we thought would be our “rocks,” disappear, but others, who, most times were not with us in  “good times,” appear in our’s lives. I think they are Angels sent to make our pain and confusion bearable and help us learn valuable lessons.

Looking back, I am thankful for all the unfortunate events of my life. They propelled me out of meaningless comfort zones and showed me who loved me  for who I am, stripped of titles and money. Pain taught me to never give up or loose the hope in positive changes and actively work to make it happen! It also taught me, I don’t always win, but as long as I do my best, that’s what counts: the journey, not the destination.

Pain taught me to take the word “CAN’T” out of my vocabulary and always fight for what I know in my heart is right.