The Value Of Pain

It is a beautiful, sunny spring day, in contrast with the darkness in my heart… I inhale the fragrance of liliacs  and let the sun rest on my closed eyes, while my heart mourns the loss of a life-time friend, Diana. The pain inside is greater, and it makes me reflect to the value of all the  events that  my shaped life…

Those of you who know me, also know that life has been a roller coaster,  and for reasons beyond anyone’s understanding continues to keep me guessing: What’s next? Will I make it? Will I swim again or sink? So far, I swim…

As the many events of  life parade though my mind, I remember the good and the bad, the happiness and the sadness, the expected and the planned and the unexpected and the pain it caused at the time it happened. All those events that scarred my soul made it stronger.

Surprisingly, if I draw a line and honestly ask myself:

When did I learn most? What made me a more understanding, open-minded human being, I discover that in fact the worst of times were the best of times. In reality, there was no growth, no change and no lesson during the times when I felt secure, content and had the illusion of happiness.

In contrast, during times of excruciating emotional pain, when faced with losses which we always think could only happen to others, I was forced to get out of my suburban middle-class comfort zone and look life in the face. Divorce? Suicide and its everlasting consequences? Illness? Single parenting? Losses, losses and again losses but with each loss and the pain that came with it, I gained the knowledge of my emotional strength and most importantly,  discovered who my real friends were and are.

It is  magical  how when one is really in trouble, people we thought would be our “rocks,” disappear, but others, who, most times were not with us in  “good times,” appear in our’s lives. I think they are Angels sent to make our pain and confusion bearable and help us learn valuable lessons.

Looking back, I am thankful for all the unfortunate events of my life. They propelled me out of meaningless comfort zones and showed me who loved me  for who I am, stripped of titles and money. Pain taught me to never give up or loose the hope in positive changes and actively work to make it happen! It also taught me, I don’t always win, but as long as I do my best, that’s what counts: the journey, not the destination.

Pain taught me to take the word “CAN’T” out of my vocabulary and always fight for what I know in my heart is right.

 

Residence of A Soul

My soul was…

broken, smashed, crushed…

None and all could apply to all souls.

At times it feels like a heavy rock, pulling me to the bottom of the ocean, but the ocean seems bottomless and the destination never reached. An endless fall.

Other times, the place where we, humans, decided long ago, our souls reside, and so do our hearts, is in the center of our chest, slightly to the left.

Breathe in, slowly breathe out, and focus… there must be a sensation of soul, but how could one recognize that which she doesn’t know? And yet, it “feels” like a hole. Perhaps, this is how a blind person knows when to stop at the edge of a hole, but in my case, the hole was my soul. I was standing at its edge, undecided and stared down in its depth, where my soul was suppose to have resided. Perhaps it was still there, too deep to perceive.

Was I going to loose my emotional balance and step forward in search of IT, or instead, take two steps back in the safety of Mother Earth?

I am peaceful, I am safe, I made the right choice and stepped back!

I  write about the many possibilities, the options of where my soul might reside and how it might “look.”

For now, I conclude, it resides everywhere, rather than nowhere and “its shape,” is no shape.  My soul is pulverized in minuscule particles, able to be anywhere and nowhere at all times or no times…

It could be next to you, my children. You will not see it, but feel its presence and its love for you. When you do, please allow it to rest and breathe in your presence before it’s blown away, pulverized into eternity.

Deer In The Light

Hunters, whose mission is to kill.

I follow the light with blind hope.

I run in faith to my own death,

Trusting it is best .

Mesmorized by light,

I stop and wait to be shot.

I thank the Maker of Light for deceiving me,

For ending the lies, at last!

Peace and darkness envelope my

Troubled, pained soul.

Emptiness feels at its fullest,

The whole of me floats

In the meaning of meaninglessness,

The only worthy place in the mist of

All questionings.

…………………………………..

I wake up and look in the mirror of nightmares!

I  walk deeper

Into the forest of hope.

Looking at the stars,

I trip on fallen trees,

Struck by lightening,

Sometime in the confusion of time .

………………….

I often revisit the moment when I woke up,

Confrunted the dream, and chose to GET UP

and continue the fight!

They shoot deer,

A deer has no choice…

I keep telling myself I do,

As I  fall and get up,

Again and again,

and continue to run towards the light…

A Mother’s Heart Knows

A Mother's Heart Knows.

A Nobody!

A Nobody!.