Life, death and Recycling… Where does the soul go after death? Thoughts and Questionings…

As I continue to fight for a proper diagnosis of the unbearable pain and swelling of my right wrist, and fight a health care system which seem to work against common sense, I am meditating on death and dying more than ever before… as I perceive it as a clear possibility as the “system” keeps sending me for more tests and no treatment is performed because of ridiculous protocols imposed by the health insurance companies!

The winter is approaching fast and all plants in my garden are already either hibernating or they died forever.

Perennials, berries and rose bushes, will come back in the Spring. Not so with some of the herbs and annual flowers. I will have to buy fresh ones in the Spring. What that tells me on a metaphorical level, is that the strong survives. Why some plants die and some take a break and come back renewed? ALL SEEMS TO BE A CYCLE! Am I a perennial or an annual?

Are we, humans, also part of a cycle? “Dust to dust?” Where does the “essence of us,” what we call “souls,” go after death?

How do you imagine Heaven? Do we go to be with Jesus, if we are Christians? How does happen exactly?

Is there a place called Hell? Who goes there?

I wish y Faith were strong enough for me to not question where will my Soul go, but I DO QUESTION!

I immagine the essence of us travels to a different level of consciousness. I have NO VISUAL OF IT, but I wonder if some souls return on Earth and some don’t…just like flowers…

I am trying to study in depth The Bible, which is not one book, but many. Probably, if the Bible were the ONLY book left on Earth, a life time will not be enough to understand its many levels and metaphors.

I have not studied the Hindu concept of reincarnation in depth, however I do wonder if our souls come back on Earth in different forms…

As I am fighting for a proper diagnosis and treatment, unwillingly forced to follow medical protocols imposed by the insurance companies, I wonder about death!

The system is designed so that if a case does NOT FIT a PROTOCOL, designed by the health insurance companies, that case doesn’t exist! Despite all my doctors’ efforts to diagnose and treat me, I am getting worse, when I know a course of IV antibiotics will cure me!
IF the doctors could treat me based on my medical history, and clinical observation. To LOOK and SEE MY HAND!!!
It seems that is not possible! I am wondering if I will end up dead when it would be so easy to stay alive and be well if treated with IV antibiotics!!

The war against antibiotics has gone too far! I have a clear infection in my right wrist, but because it presents atypical, and doesn’t fit the “cookie cutter” of “protocols,” I am not properly treated! In fact I am not treated at all. Instead I go for more tests and blood work.

Where will my soul go?

I opt for incineration. To turn to ashes the box in which I suffered so much, fought so much and it seems I am loosing the battle despite my desperate efforts to stay alive! To die of an untreated infection in the 21st century, in America because it doesn’t fit the “protocols” imposed by the health care system! How unreal, yet real is this, but IT IS HAPPENING TO ME!!!

I am about to purchase a GREEN URN. I wish my ashes placed with a tree seed and planted in a peaceful place where there are no health insurance companies, no ridiculous medical protocols designed to kill people slowly, while sending them for more tests, and where there is common sense and unconditional love!
Hmm… is there such a place, or did the greed for money corrupt and invade every corner of our Earth?

I continue to mediate and wonder, where my soul will go…
Where will yours?

Residence Of A Soul

A soul may be…

happy, crushed, sad, numb, broken.

None or all at one time or another.

It may feel as a heavy rock, pulling down

To the bottom of an ocean,

But this ocean is bottomless,

The final destination unknown…

Other times,

The place where we, humans, decide souls go,

Is in a better place,

Or  worse,

Depending on …

what we, as individuals, believe in.

Upon the death of my friend, I had a vision

I cannot see anything,

Rather imagine,

Standing on the edge of a precipice,

at the very edge of it, staring down.

I hope to see into the depth of the place

Where  souls might reside,

and find hers.

What if I loose my emotional balance,

And step forward into the endless precipice,

Where I think  souls find peace?

A passing thought!

Instead, I take two steps back,

In the reality and safety of the Now.

I continue to contemplate and question:

Where do souls reside?

When the time comes,

I wish my soul will be pulverized

In a million particles, so small,

They could enter the hearts of the ones I love.

I know, they will not see it, but feel my presence.

When they do,

I hope they will allow my soul

To rest next to theirs…

before the wind blows it away into eternity…



Residence of A Soul

My soul was…

broken, smashed, crushed…

None and all could apply to all souls.

At times it feels like a heavy rock, pulling me to the bottom of the ocean, but the ocean seems bottomless and the destination never reached. An endless fall.

Other times, the place where we, humans, decided long ago, our souls reside, and so do our hearts, is in the center of our chest, slightly to the left.

Breathe in, slowly breathe out, and focus… there must be a sensation of soul, but how could one recognize that which she doesn’t know? And yet, it “feels” like a hole. Perhaps, this is how a blind person knows when to stop at the edge of a hole, but in my case, the hole was my soul. I was standing at its edge, undecided and stared down in its depth, where my soul was suppose to have resided. Perhaps it was still there, too deep to perceive.

Was I going to loose my emotional balance and step forward in search of IT, or instead, take two steps back in the safety of Mother Earth?

I am peaceful, I am safe, I made the right choice and stepped back!

I  write about the many possibilities, the options of where my soul might reside and how it might “look.”

For now, I conclude, it resides everywhere, rather than nowhere and “its shape,” is no shape.  My soul is pulverized in minuscule particles, able to be anywhere and nowhere at all times or no times…

It could be next to you, my children. You will not see it, but feel its presence and its love for you. When you do, please allow it to rest and breathe in your presence before it’s blown away, pulverized into eternity.

Deer In The Light

Hunters, whose mission is to kill.

I follow the light with blind hope.

I run in faith to my own death,

Trusting it is best .

Mesmorized by light,

I stop and wait to be shot.

I thank the Maker of Light for deceiving me,

For ending the lies, at last!

Peace and darkness envelope my

Troubled, pained soul.

Emptiness feels at its fullest,

The whole of me floats

In the meaning of meaninglessness,

The only worthy place in the mist of

All questionings.


I wake up and look in the mirror of nightmares!

I  walk deeper

Into the forest of hope.

Looking at the stars,

I trip on fallen trees,

Struck by lightening,

Sometime in the confusion of time .


I often revisit the moment when I woke up,

Confrunted the dream, and chose to GET UP

and continue the fight!

They shoot deer,

A deer has no choice…

I keep telling myself I do,

As I  fall and get up,

Again and again,

and continue to run towards the light…


Does ETERNITY Exist?

I stand alone,

Strong and determined,

In the face of adversity!

We come on Earth with nothing,

but our bodies as covers,

and  invisible souls.

We leave with nothing,

but  shells eaten by worms or by fire,

and our souls…

Enriched by Earthy experiences


Crushed and heavy… 

Souls, disappearing, 

No one knows for sure,

What or where Eternity is,

Or if it exists at all!!!


Dedicated to all questioning minds and all those fighting an uphill battle that seems to never end.

Rodica Mihalis, M.S. Counseling and Clinical Psychology